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Sean Gallagher is a member of The Intangible Collective. SUNY Oneonta 2008 Grand Slam Champion. A member of the SUNY Oneonta Poetry Slam Team who were the Northeast Regional Poetry Slam Champions and Ranked 4th in the Nation at the 2008 ACUI Collegiate National Poetry Slam in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Also a member of the White Plains Slam Team who competed at the 2008 PSI National Poetry Slam in Madison, Wisconsin.

Contact:

sean@intangiblecollective.com

www.myspace.com/seanisarealboy

www.intangiblecollective.com

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A YEAR OF HAIKUNESS

365: Haiku-A-Day

What People Are Saying…

"Thank god there are only seventeen syllables in a haiku and Sean Gallagher did not commence this project during a leap year.”

-Megan Falley,

Slam Poet / Author of “Cricket Fuel”

"IF the Bard were BAD, THEN Sean Gallagher's opus of short stuff would be brilliant! Be grateful the GREAT Sean Gallagher's book isn't in free verse. Rest assured that each BRILLIANT poem will QUICKLY come to an end."

- Eric ZORK Alan,

Author of "I am NOT a poet" and "Things to do with BEER BOTTLES"

“AHHHH! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING! AHHHHDOJASDFLLKASDF!”

- Sierra DeMulder,

Author of “Don’t Tell The Guns” (Write Bloody Publishing)

“He’s not my son.”

- Mrs. Gallagher,
My Mom

“This book is the poetic equivalent to Gigli.”

- Saint Peace,

Slam Poet / Sean’s Only Black Friend

“Sean Gallagher is the Jar Jar Binks of poetry.

Reading this book was like getting date raped in CGI.”

- Dan Stalter,

Demigod Among Human Filth

- - - - - - - - - -

- Foreword -

As told by Brian ‘Omni’ Dillon

Thank heavens I’ve caught you here. Do not move from this page. It is the only thing remotely safe for human consumption between the covers (and no, asshole, that doesn’t mean you can eat my Foreword). I can only hope you are reading this message in a bookstore, and have not already made the egregious error of actually purchasing this. If the situation is the former, please place the book down slowly and keep moving. There is literally nothing to see here. Nothing. It sucks hard.

If however you have already exchanged actual goods/services/ and or cash for this ungodly production, than it falls upon me to give you the constructive advice you will soon require. But first, an observation:

What sort of person actually purchases a book of 365 haikus? I can only imagine that you are the sort of individual who is reading this on the toilet while eating McNuggets and will in five minutes time be wiping your ass with a sock. Congratulations you detestable little monkey, you’re barely literate.

As for the rest of you idiots. Allow me to explain what you’ve gotten yourself into. This thing you’re holding in you’re hands is the equivalent of a desk calendar featuring daily photographs of your mother giving hand jobs to farm animals. You just don’t wanna look. I promise you.

The only redeeming thing you could take from this “book” is if you were to read it as an epic tragedy. The tale of half-retarded upstate new York country bumpkin who all he ever dreamt of being was a poet and ended up settling for half-poems that could’ve been written by an especially articulate hedgehog in a form that hasn’t been prominent since the Ming Dynasty. It’s like piss coming out of a cow’s udder. Like a bird building a nest out of bird-flu. Like Hamlet wanted to kill his stepfather and ended up punching himself in the dick for three and a half hours. That’s how sad this book is. It is a failed attempt at being in anyway remotely artistic and it makes me want to both cry and vomit simultaneously.

Now that we have firmly established this will be the last page of the book you will be reading. Let’s focus on the realities of your present situation. It’s already been proven that you are amongst the worst sorts of humans. And we know you can’t just throw away money like this that could be better spent on webcam-sex with a 17 year old in Cambodia or more Mountain Dew. What use can we put this book to?

Firstly let’s consider that you are likely obese and have acne so pronounced you both look and smell like a brick of salami. The closest you come to boobs are while trying to lick your own during sex with a retrofitted My Little Pony doll. This book can help you with the ladies. And by help, I mean it will make it 4% more likely that you could secure pity-sex from a senior citizen. All you gotta do is wear it like a hat. You’re now better looking. Anything you do to yourself will make you better looking. In fact I suggest shooting yourself. That bullet really pulls the outfit together.

Secondly, you could use this in place of the sock you just wiped your asshole with. Simple.

Thirdly, you could tear out each page, stitch them together, build a magical, paper-flying airplane that will take you to the wondrous land of Mynuts. All you gotta do is jump off a tall building while holding it. It’ll be sweet.

That’s about it. Otherwise you might as well find a way to have sex with it.

Sincerely,

Brian Dillon

Slam Poet / Author of ‘Eat The Rich’

www.brianomnidillon.com

- - - - - - - - - -

8/1/08	8/11/08
	a ribcage jungle
	there’s a cave in my stomach
	I’m running empty
8/2/08	8/12/08
procrastination	wow! that movie sucked
forgot to write first haiku	but I got to admit the
off to a good start	trailer looks awesome
8/3/08	8/13/08
everyone’s story	new research study
ends with a plot; buried in	proves guys play video games
a box of splinters	more than girls play them
8/4/08	8/14/08
smile like a star	new research study
and wear every wrinkle like	proves that research scientists
a fashion statement	have no common sense
8/5/08	8/15/08
spitzer got busted	my love life is like
our new governor is blind	soul plane; after you’ve seen see it
won’t see prostitutes	you will deny it
8/6/08	8/16/08
dear global warming,	barack obama
why does everyone hate you?	black on the outside, half white
thank you for the tan	I love oreos!
8/7/08	8/17/08
practice perfection	employed at the mall
echoes of these hotel walls	workers get cigarette breaks
we never return	I want fresh air breaks
8/8/08	8/18/08
the people all laughed	I am so unique
when I starred in a porno	got chinese symbol tattoo
called it a “short” film	for ‘original’
8/9/08	8/19/08
and on the third day	leash babies in malls
jesus christ rose from the dead	mothers not ready to cut
he is a zombie	umbilical cord
8/10/08	8/20/08
what if this haiku	a guitar solo
was written by michael bay	rhythm of fingers bleeding
(put explosions here)	these songs are blisters

- - - - - - - - - -

8/21/08 -

8/21/08	8/26/08
jimi hendrix played	when playing charades
all along the watchtower	never play with deaf people
on an air guitar	they always win it
8/22/08	8/27/08
I don’t remember	when playing charades
my first birthday party, I	never play with dead people
must have been fucked up	stiff competition
8/23/08	8/28/08
in case of heartbreak	look at the night sky
break glass; if only duct tape	don’t you just love shooting stars
could fix everything	with a loaded gun
8/24/08	8/29/08
umbrellas, lipgloss	girl at the pool said
chicken noodle soup; Time to	“I’m hot from the sun”, I said:
kill the radio	“I’m Sean from the earth”
8/25/08	8/30/08
lets play a card game	girl, I will drop you
pointless and no one ever wins	faster than little boy pants
we shall call it ‘war’	at neverland ranch

- - - - - - - - - -

8/31/08	9/10/08
snort that line off that	a widescreen daydream
mirror glass; and look at the	moving pictures move us all
reflection you hate	the theatre lights dim
9/01/08	9/11/08
I once ate seafood	seven years ago
I barfed and threw it back up	life changed in history class
and now you see food	goodbye innocence
9/02/08	9/12/08
landscape horizons	he tattooed her face
my eyelids are painting a	on his arm just like a dead
blinking masterpiece	grandmother would want
9/03/08	9/13/08
a graveyard is just	a drunk magician
a scrapbook where we put down	turned my refrigerator
all our memories	into a bathroom
9/04/08	9/14/08
sex with me is like	the old man lays down
slam poetry; it will last	back sore and falls asleep with
only three minutes	whiskey on his breathe
9/05/08	9/15/08
but officer please	my girlfriend is like
this wasn’t date rape I swear	a mermaid. beautiful and
I wouldn’t date her	imaginary.
9/06/08	9/16/08
when telling secrets	moses walked forty
talk quietly and never	years in the desert. should have
gossip near grapevines	brought his gps
9/07/08	9/17/08
piano keys play	moses walked forty
an arthritis masterpiece	years in the desert. should have
tuned to a heartbeat	watched man vs. wild
9/08/08	9/18/08
girl you look fine like	I love you like a
a forty-ounce malt liquor	jack russell terrier loves
you taste like it too	humping a kids leg
9/09/08	09/19/08
potato famine	gently hold your breast
was a marketing stunt for	kissing your neck. questioning
the atkins diet	your adam’s apple?

- - - - - - - - - -

9/23/08 –

9/20/08	9/27/08
petafiles are	defeats the purpose
a lot like a tennis match	buy a chocolate bar to help
they both love-15	feed starving children
9/21/08	9/28/08
she is beautiful	at a frat party
caught between my heart and mind	with aliens and monsters
diamond in the rough	the frat was psi phi
9/22/08	9/29/08
cannibals eating	driving a hummer
cannibals; just a taste of	for pizza deliveries.
their own medicine	who gave him that tip?
9/23/08	9/30/08
I wish pillsbury	there is an asteroid
doughboy had his own facebook	heading for earth; bruce willis
so I could poke him	has some work to do
9/24/08	10/01/08
why would a man hit	autumns gentle touch
a woman he claims to love?	leaves change and bloom butterflies
a one-hit wonder.	nature haikus suck!
9/25/08	10/02/08
schools don’t give drug tests	john mccain wants change
so they won’t have to fire	barack obama wants change
the english teachers	I change the channel…
9/26/08	10/03/08
why regret regrets?	looking up to a
‘mistakes’ is just the past tense	midget as a role model
form for what made us.	has it’s irony

- - - - - - - - - -

10/11/08 –

10/04/08	10/14/08
when mankind fades out	put a microphone
our hieroglyphics will be	to my head so you can hear
found on bathroom stalls	what I am thinking
10/05/08	10/15/08
when angelina	a man read the whole
jolie gives birth, her kids still	dictionary in a week
come out adopted	what a sad story
10/06/08	10/16/08
we played cut-throat with	killed in the open
our lips like heart attacks were	at a nudist colony.
all we ever knew	they all bare witness.
10/07/08	10/17/08
hanging off a cliff	we used to look up
armless man masturbating	to all the stars, but now they
both could use a hand	all went to rehab
10/08/08	10/18/08
when an atheist	these dreams we once had
sneezes you should respond with	have turned into nightmares of
‘nothing nothing you’	what we’ll never have
10/09/08	10/19/08
when a satanist	mario runs fast
sneezes you should respond with	and eats a lot of mushrooms
‘the devil plague you’	but he never trips
10/10/08	10/20/08
the paparazzi	plastic surgery.
patrol california like	since when is it ok to
hollywood nazis	be picking your nose?
10/11/08	10/21/08
decomposition	I masturbate while
we litter the earth like it	reading dictionaries so
was a waste basket	I can come to terms
10/12/08	10/22/08
received communion	I like you like fat
at a wedding. not catholic,	girls like butterfly tattoos
just really hungry.	on their lower back
10/13/08	10/23/08
I watched irony	a russian porn star
saw a car catch on fire	is just like sarah palin
it was a blazer	both get shitted on

- - - - - - - - - -

11/04/08 –

10/24/08	10/31/08
the boxer suffers	halloween. a time
from punching bag addiction	for people to dress up in
needs just one more hit	what they really are
10/25/08	11/01/08
cough out the liquor	those emo kids would
while you kneel at porcelain	get sun burnt if they looked at
like it was your god	the bright side of life
10/26/08	11/02/08
living in grandma’s	don’t shake your baby
basement, closest you get to	instead, let them have fun and
girl on top of you	take them to six flags
10/27/08	11/03/08
get crunk. yea. get crunk.	a one legged dog
get crunk. get crunk. yea. get crunk.	must find it hard to
get crunk. yea. get crunk.	lift it’s leg to pee
10/28/08	11/04/08
got grillz on mah teeth	cardiac cadence
like the braces I wore till	the pulse is a metronome
I was twenty-four	heartbeat symphony
10/29/08	11/05/08
I live da’ crime life	when it comes to girls
in my mansion my weapon	they’re like eleventh grade math
is a butter knife	I don’t get either
10/30/08	11/06/08
look at mah dreadlocks	your acting career
I rap ’bout ho’s but all I	should never begin on ‘to
do is fuck a sock	catch a predator’

- - - - - - - - - -

11/09/08 –

11/07/08	11/12/08
chris hansen hired	we’re as weak as our
arnold schwarzenegger to	first giggle from infant lungs
help catch predators	we are god’s hiccups
11/08/08	11/13/08
the only proof of	we lie about our
god’s existence is that he	abilities, knowing the
created tivo	liabilities
11/09/08	11/14/08
the skyline tastes of	and irony was
distance while we are catching	conceived in an abortion
rooftops on our tongues	clinic in heaven
11/10/08	11/15/08
prime meridian	volcano snowglobe
hates the equator, didn’t	turntable kaleidoscope
like his latitude	we are so dizzy
11/11/08	11/16/08
fantasy football	getting a blowjob
is the jock equivalent	hanging onto chin up bar
of world of warcraft	got blown off your feet

- - - - - - - - - -

11/17/08	11/27/08
never broke a bone	sesame street got
never got stung by a bee	weird on thanksgiving after
try and break my heart	they ate a big bird
11/18/08	11/28/08
when the yankees win	People who enjoy
fans always scream ‘we did it!!!’	air conditioners really
no… they did… not you	can’t start a fan club
11/19/08	11/29/08
silly scientists	s.t.d.’s are like
dinosaurs aren’t extinct	pokemon for sluts, ya just
they’re just make believe	gotta catch them all
11/20/08	12/01/08
I don’t have a case	critique who we are
of the mondays, I get a	criticize what we’ve become
case of the weekdays	soundtrack for routine
11/21/08	12/02/08
coupons don’t help save	wishing well scapegoat
money, we didn’t need a	point your finger at mirrors
new bocce-ball set	admit denial
11/22/08	12/03/08
i’ve been biting my nails	life goes full circle
rather than hammering them	just as we start, we end bald
into foundations	and wearing diapers
11/23/08	12/04/08
the livestrong bracelets	sex with me is like
when did cancer turn into	straight-to-dvd movies
a fashion statement?	not as good sober.
11/24/08	12/05/08
you shouldn’t become	I didn’t sell my
a used car salesman if your	soul to the devil, he just
last name is lemon	won it on e-bay
11/25/08	12/06/08
I can’t fucking stand	when will they start an
it when people just curse for	unorganized religion
no fucking reason	for messy people?
11/26/08	12/07/08
pirate attacks are	intricate whispers
up fourteen percent this year	a transparent melody
damn you jack sparrow!!!	just a cloud away

- - - - - - - - - -

12/14/08 –

12/08/08	12/12/08
the spoiler on your	money might not make
honda civic reminds me	you happy, but it will pay
of eight-grade shop class	for the things that do
12/09/09	12/13/08
schizophrenia	upstate back-roads that
we can’t open up the door-	want to be touched by more than
-mant sectors of minds	a pair of tires
12/10/08	12/14/08
she stole my heart and	when I was young I
she stole my sweater, damn you	thought santa was evil and
winona ryder	satan gave me gifts
12/11/08	12/15/08
an omni haiku	they should start a gang
blah blah blah fuck jesus wah	for environmentalists
fuck you fuck me wah	they’ll call it gang-green

- - - - - - - - - -

12/21/08 –

12/16/08	12/26/08
beat up my eyelids	the christmas chaos
falling asleep takes away	we love getting gifts just so
a moment to stare	we can return them
12/17/08	12/27/08
foxhole you call home	tarantino writes
a cross on your wall won’t make	scripts, doesn’t number pages,
you a’ight with god	throws it in the air
12/18/08	12/28/08
my grandma is dead	we leave and make home
got ran over by reindeer	a rearview mirror landscape
santa’s drunk driving	for big city dreams
12/19/08	12/29/08
he knows you’re sleeping	stretch mark tattoos
and he knows when you’re awake	a reminder of what she
santa’s a pervert	now holds in her arms
12/20/08	12/30/08
shotgun the front seat	he wears blue collars
shotgun an entire beer	as a reminder of what
shotgun to the head	he will always be.
12/21/08	12/31/08
white powder addict.	a champagne toast for
sniffing up for a good time.	a new years resolution
my dog loves the snow!	to just be content
12/22/08	1/01/09
I am cubicle.	we wake with the sun
I am two-hour deadline.	new years is in our belly
I am ambition?	just another day
12/23/08	1/02/09
words will be mute but	an apple a day
the motor of a fan won’t	will keep the doctor away
drown out this moment	so will malpractice
12/24/08	1/03/09
what’s left to believe	I want to invent
when santa’s truth is just a	a chocolate-fudge fun dip
google search away	I’ll call it dip-shit
12/25/08	1/04/08
mommy kissed santa	I saw a church sign:
daddy put him in coma	“it’s always too soon to quit”
more gifts at christmas	…just stay on crack kids!

- - - - - - - - - -

1/05/09	1/15/09
now after you pack	cut off your nose to
it up and stop now what what	spite your face. cut off your balls
drop it like it’s hot	to spite your girlfriend.
1/06/09	1/16/09
we kiss these nights	I would wear my heart
like snowflakes knowing they will	on my sleeve, but blood stains and
not last forever	I like love this shirt!
1/07/09	1/17/09
auditory twitch	and as we go on
shave eardrums with sandpaper	we remember all the times
to stop these voices	we slept together…
1/08/09	1/18/09
some girls take your heart	our first date was like
some will take your breathe away	jesus’ crucifixion
some take your kidney	you left me hanging
1/09/09	1/19/09
no more polaroids	our second date was
now we shake it, shake it like	not like the crucifixion
…a memory card?	since no one got nailed
1/10/09	1/20/09
I’ve seen more movies	our third date was like
starring kate winslet’s tits than	jesus’ resurrection
starring kate winslet	it never happened
1/11/09	1/21/09
when I peed my pants	our love was like an
kids laughed and made fun of me	old man without viagra
god, yesterday sucked!	it would never last
1/12/09	1/22/09
you and me are like	miseducation
conjoined twin babies, because	textbooks with spines stitched of a
I am stuck on you	million wrong reasons
1/13/09	1/23/09
I thought we were like	my biggest fear is
sonny & cher, she thought we	a snapple fact that will read
were like will & grace.	you will die today
1/14/09	1/24/09
this here walking stick	it’s very awkward
has seen better days; and me	to propose to your girlfriend
I’ve felt better days	during a threesome

- - - - - - - - - -

1/29/09 –

1/25/09	1/29/09
snow days are like sex	I wish mr. t
you always want more inches	was a pirate, so he would
so you can get off	pity the fool’s gold
1/26/09	1/30/09
“god bless the irish”	met my first lover
some bumper stickers are just	in sixth grade gym class. her name
so ethnocentric	was Adidas sock
1/27/09	1/31/09
a virgin shark gave	your 9/11
birth, thus proving the “jesus	theory has more holes than a
was a shark” theory	lesbian orgy.
1/28/09	2/1/09
they say it’s better	love the super bowl,
to give than to receive so	but that game gets in the way
I gave you herpes	of the commercials

- - - - - - - - - -

2/09/09 –

2/2/09	2/12/09
high tech computers	my cock… a proton
and meteorologists	torpedo. your mouth… death star’s
we ask a groundhog	thermal exhaust port
2/3/09	2/13/09
the steelers won the	miss takes still haunts me
super bowl… I didn’t know	miss terry still follows me
oj simpson played!	miss tress still stalks me
2/4/09	2/14/09
michael phelps smokes pot	you are as timeless
there is still hope for me to	as a broken clock built in
win a gold medal	a chevy chevelle
2/5/09	2/15/09
our love was pointless,	when we were kids we
just like a conductor for	had monsters in our closets
a blind orchestra	I had r. kelly
2/6/09	2/16/09
hitler’s barber could	she plays the lotto
have saved 11 million	scratch off polished fingernails
with a nervous twitch	chance is her dayjob
2/7/09	2/17/09
personality	your mouth was sewn shut
try to be deep but end up	and still everything was said
in shallow waters	your eyes said it all
2/8/09	2/18/09
the tide of your hair	if living well is
pulls me in; the landscape of	the best revenge then let us
your skyline skin	find infinite
2/09/09	2/19/09
silent films fade out	I’m the captain of
ripping the duct tape off of	the s.s. boobies and I
charlie chaplins mouth	love motor boating
2/10/09	2/20/09
I fucking love you	she sets an alarm
but nowhere near as much as	just to remind herself there’s
I love fucking you	reasons to wake up
2/11/09	2/21/09
converse with mountains	hitting on a girl
listen through your headphones and	I’ll be your chris brown if you’ll
speak through your eyelids	be my rihanna!

- - - - - - - - - -

2/22/09	3/4/09
what do these racist	a pick-pocketer
political cartoonists	robs you and steals your ID just
have against monkeys?	to be somebody
2/23/09	3/5/09
we grow up reckless	a boy band haiku
pack up and leave our mothers	woah ohh yea yea baby girlllll
without a nite-lite.	woah ohh ohh yeaaaaa yeaaaaa
2/24/09	3/6/09
aftermath headlines	it’s all fun and games
count bodies, don’t care who they	especially when someone
were before the math	gets their eye poked out!
2/25/09	3/7/09
it’s big boobies like	stop reading my blog
yours that could make the air bag	it’s my own private journal
industry collapse	that’s posted online
2/26/09	3/8/09
if virginia is	no gwen stefani
for lovers, then florida	this shit is not bananas
is for old people	this shit is smelly
2/27/09	3/9/09
jon edwards cannot	the widow cries and
talk to dead grandmas or dogs	swallows guilt. this is what she
telepathetic	had always wished for.
2/28/09	3/10/09
catholicism	my puppy lays in
is like cannibalism	the windows sun beams waiting
eats away at you	for his first summer
3/1/09	3/11/09
guantanamo bay	people are like their
boundless wreckage of nightmares	favorite music… example:
human rights and wrongs	you’re loud, annoying
3/2/09	3/12/09
they say talk is cheap	chris brown recorded
but phone bills prove the price you	a duet with rihanna
pay for long distance	it will be a hit
3/3/09	3/13/09
old women buy clocks	vegetarians
and hang them around the house	will eat animal crackers
just to buy more time	but wheat is murder

- - - - - - - - - -

3/14/09	3/24/09
he bailed out on sex	it’s a tragedy
just to go play racquetball	when you don’t see one’s impact
he must love blue balls	until they are gone
3/15/09	3/25/09
el chupacabra!	“never say never”
blood sucking demon or a	…well you just said it twice so
taco bell dinner?	you’re a hypocrite
3/16/09	3/26/09
everything makes sense	standardized testing
in lyrical gibberish	decides what you won’t be but
hopelandic goosebumps	not what you will be
3/17/09	3/27/09
alcoholics don't	some look at paintings
celebrate saint patrick’s day	and see words and messages
just another day	while I just see paint
3/18/09	3/28/09
the pope says condoms	drunk text messages
won’t cure aids, only god can.	turn “want to meet up” into
put god on your dick!	wehg thu ment turrrr dur?
3/19/09	3/29/09
if the good die young	true porn directors
tell my great-great-grand children	can make bukkake scenes look
how you’re an asshole	like ‘gone with the wind’
3/20/09	3/30/09
laughter is not the	you know it’s true love
best medicine… medicine’s	when you hold her all night and
the best medicine	fart on her in bed
3/21/09	3/31/09
my religious views?	that slut of a girl
oh yes, I have plenty of	has got more diseases than
views on religion	the oregon trail.
3/22/09	4/1/09
if people grow old,	sex with me is like
then why is every grandma	m. night shyamalan movies
always so tiny	girls say: “That was it?”
3/23/09	4/2/09
I reach for the snooze	a purple heart trade
button like an apple from	no pulse medal in exchange
the tree of knowledge	for your beating heart

- - - - - - - - - -

4/13/09 –

4/3/09
pay a girl for sex
…it’s crime. pay a girl for sex	4/11/09
on camera… it’s porn	let’s get lost tonight
	you can be my black rosie
4/4/09	o’donnell tonight
a wishing well war
they toss in our money and	4/12/09
keep their fingers crossed	why tempt eve with fruit?
	forbid her to take from the
4/5/09	chocolate truffle tree
college taught me the
endless possibilities	4/13/09
of ramen noodles	the business man looks
	out the airplane window like
4/6/09	he’s a kid again
war. assumed death so
he traded his wedding ring	4/14/09
for a pack of smokes	peeing on airplanes
	is a lot easier than
4/7/09	peeing inside them
north korea will
not bomb alaska, palin.	4/15/09
waste of a good bomb!	never did I think
	I’d see a day so fit for
4/8/09	teabagging haikus
you shouldn’t believe
everything I say because	4/16/09
I’ve never lied before	no bathrooms at beach
	no one ever needs to pee
4/9/09	I don’t want to swim
pop a cherry bomb
on my lips and lick me just	4/17/09
because you’re a perv	airplane companies
	are a lot like ex-girlfriends
4/10/09	they both steal my clothes
exactly what kind
of crime doesn’t involve hate?
let’s commit love crimes!

- - - - - - - - - -

4/18/09	4/28/09
I like to drink till	how to write crunk rap:
saturday night live’s funny	“throw yo hands up and shake em’
I end up passed out	like michael j. fox”
4/19/09	4/29/09
there is nothing more	they say the best things
manly than a guy with a	in life are free, so why do
teacup chihuahua	I pay for pizza?
4/20/09	4/30/09
I saw no gators	amusement park lies
in florida, but I saw	my parents said the train was
old people wear crocs	a roller coaster
4/21/09	5/1/09
a stripper does more	the number one way
laps than a swimmer training	to prevent getting swine flu:
for the olympics	go about your day
4/22/09	5/2/09
car accidents won’t	don’t get all gassed up
be insured if you wear your	farts are so harmless, just think
sunglasses at night	of them as butt burps
4/23/09	5/3/09
high cholesterol	when a wedding ring
doctor says: “watch what you eat”	doesn’t cut it, take the moon
I do. then I eat it.	out of your pocket
4/24/09	5/4/09
I hate when people	make mountains out of
ask how my day was, it’s like	mole hills? make epidemic
just go check my blog	out of a swine flu!
4/25/09	5/5/09
octopus chasing	turning off the lights
seaweed flavored snow cone lures	after work doesn’t mean your
I’m so high right now	company’s “gone green”
4/26/09	5/6/09
no one laughed when the	when you put three dots
nut and screw factory banned	at the end of your haiku
‘that’s what she said’ jokes	it adds deep meaning...
4/27/09	5/7/09
I hate dog owners	advice for poets:
they all think their dog’s the best	it’s not original to
I have the best dog	use the word ribcage

- - - - - - - - - -

5/20/09 –

5/8/09	5/18/09
a stereotype	take a stairway to
is not a stereotype	heaven or escalator
if it's really true	back down to the earth
5/9/09	5/19/09
arab princes love	hope you’re ready for
to give away millions through	the next episode, hey, brush
their hotmail accounts	your teeth everyday
5/10/09	5/20/09
toys. bugs. monsters. fish.	boy scouts are against
heroes. racecars. rats. robots.	gay marriage but encourage
an old man. pixar.	boys to tie the knot
5/11/09	5/21/09
a website shows how	season finales
to conserve toilet paper	are tv execs way of
my assholes gone green	being a cocktease
5/12/09	5/22/09
bigger office space	seeing star trek felt
a “cubicle promotion”	like an affair, and I was
highlight of my day	cheating on star wars
5/13/09	5/23/09
when your girlfriend says	jon & kate plus 8
“let’s wait till marriage”, you have	should be shown in schools to teach
been cock-blocked by god	safe sex awareness
5/14/09	5/24/09
let's paint the town red.	why go to the beach?
and blue. and green. mix them till	just go to work and get a
life just seems brighter.	computer screen tan
5/15/09	5/25/09
face of an angel	for love I can walk
to match an ass of a horse	oceans and wait continents
I love you centaur	like my grandparents
5/16/09	5/26/09
middle school bullies,	don’t run with scissors
why don’t your parent’s ever	unless you are late for an
give you lunch money?	arts and crafts workshop
5/17/09	5/27/09
no, I didn’t get	little brown package
a hair cut, can’t you tell more	containing secrets of the
than one hair was cut?	wrath that lies ahead

- - - - - - - - - -

6/05/09 –

5/28/09	6/7/09
children sleep softly	I just bought the new
dreaming of what lurks under	Now! That’s What I Call Music
the monsters mattress	Volume 93
5/29/09	6/8/09
the truth lies no where	I must be a roll
near the interpretations	because I’m on a butter
of tabloid gossip	or something like that
5/30/09	6/9/09
seesaw exhaustion	ignite the airwaves
backyard wind spinner stomach	support all of the static
shovel to the face	just a bad habit
5/31/09	6/10/09
one day I’ll visit	in fifth grade, jeffrey
home without directions to	would suck his thumb until it
a cemetery	was bath tub wrinkled
6/1/09	6/11/09
first hand accounts of	you have got more grace
titanic sink away with	than hands folded before a
the last survivor	baptist church picnic
6/2/09	6/12/09
a menstrual nickname	dislocated knee
what women call periods	will make three flights of stairs look
men call blowjob week	like mount everest
6/3/09	6/13/09
we bury skin and	these wooden crutches
scatter ashes, swallow grief	might help me walk, but you’re the
and go back to work	crutch I need right now
6/4/09	6/14/09
snow plow man said he’d	digital convert
be over to plow my mom	analog televisions
I’m concerned, it’s june	static screen orphans
6/5/09	6/15/09
you’re forced to accept	we call them apps like
that the lightsaber doesn’t	three extra syllables will
fall far from the tree	dent our vocal cords
6/6/09	6/16/09
people try to hard	appearance of a
to be cultured for the sake	million bucks, but made of
of being cultured	a bunch of nickels

- - - - - - - - - -

6/17/09 –

6/17/09	6/22/09
distance can be heard	celebs get sidewalk
our hearts are tin cans with strings	hollywood stars so we can
attached to the ends	walk all over them
6/18/09	6/23/09
tonight was perfect	rappers retire
I said “I love you” and then	at the age of 28
you pooped on my chest	hip hop pension plan
6/19/09	6/24/09
twenty-third birthday	governors duties:
I can’t remember last year	to serve and to protect and
wasn’t even drunk	to cheat on their wives
6/20/09	6/25/09
kids playing frogger	in my pajamas
on the highway will get you	before bed, I’d master the
fired from day camp	art of the moonwalk
6/21/09	6/26/09
break up rebuttal	emo song blueprint
when you rip a girl’s heart out	use the word ‘die’ and then rhyme
she’ll rip your sweatshirt	it with the word ‘cry’

- - - - - - - - - -

6/27/09	7/7/09
music videos	with ten words, paris
replaced with quality shows	jackson reminded us her
16 and pregnant	father was human
6/28/09	7/8/09
turned your child’s death	we pardon our french
into a record label	like the country was founded
publicity stunt	on profanity
6/29/09	7/9/09
wikipedia	new york state senate
is as reliable as	the capital is now a
an ouija board	jungle gym playground
6/30/09	7/10/09
corrupted structure	12 step programs would
architectural decay	be a lot easier with
ruined masterpiece	an escalator
7/1/09	7/11/09
palm line predictions	breathe and fill your lungs
psychics will give you frostbite	with whatever the world is
during cold readings	willing to give you
7/2/09	7/12/09
slam poetry fail:	comfortable love
"I can only say 3 words:	you can walk through her bedroom
dad, I forgive you"	without a light on
7/3/09	7/13/09
"tears fall when I cry"	social phobia
yes that happens when you cry	paruresis, bladder filled
slam poetry fail	with anxiety
7/4/09	7/14/09
I saw fireworks	celebrities die
when we kissed because it was	but legacies live on in
the Fourth of July	tabloid magazine
7/5/09	7/15/09
love America	men want women for
for the fact you can say you	their breasts, zombies only want
hate America	women for their brains
7/6/09	7/16/09
a highway skyline	there are no strangers
albany in the distance	just people we haven’t shared
swallowed by dark clouds	a moment with yet

- - - - - - - - - -

7/17/09
god is a crumpled
twenty dollar bill found in	7/25/09
your jeans back pocket	a stretch armstrong doll
	traction like tug-o-war skin
7/18/09	octo-mom stretch marks
tornado cluster
of mohawks and star tattoos	7/26/09
a punk rawk moshpit	if nancy grace’s
	kids were kidnapped, I bet she
7/19/09	would exploit herself
the title ‘landlord’
blatantly screams “I’m going	7/27/09
to fuck you over”	cocaine’s the new weed,
	weed is the new beer, and beer’s
7/20/09	the new apple juice
I was taught not to
judge a book by it’s cover	7/28/09
…except Ann Coulter’s	what’s the purpose of
	exercising when you own
7/21/09	a nintendo wii?
defeats the purpose.
bought scissors you can only	7/29/09
open with… scissors.	we remember songs
	like our heads were a milk-crate
7/22/09	record collection
owning a dog is
a great excuse for having	7/30/09
to leave things early	cardboard box spaceships
	blast off from the living room
7/23/09	and into our dreams
naked cowboy runs
for new york city mayor	7/31/09
we barely know him	collection complete
	a years worth of haikus and
7/24/09	I didn’t fuck up once
princess diana’s
death was execution by
flash photography

- - - - - - - - - -

- Epilogue -

As told by Anthony Fascious Martinez

If Sean Gallagher wrote a book on his life, it would be titled “Pointless“ and every page would be blank. Not just because he’s white, but his writing lacks any significance and his life is in fact that boring. He works a 9-5 desk job and spends his 45 minute lunch breaks writing what he calls poems while watching YouTube videos of HBO Def Poetry. Sean is merely a fan of the genre and just so happens to know poets who feel bad enough to let him be their friend. He’s your typical suburban kid who drives an SUV his parents bought him and plays underground rap music with the windows down to seem “informed” about Hip Hop.

Honestly, he’s a good kid. I just feel sorry for the trees that were killed to manufacture this horrible excuse for a book. Each unit he sells leaves another family of Howler Monkeys in the rain forests of Costa Rica homeless. (Yes…he specifically requested that 2,000 square miles of wild life be destroyed to produce enough paper for him to waste on haikus he wrote while sitting on the toilet reading other poet’s chapbooks.) You should feel very guilty for having supported this silver spoon fed child of upstate, NY. I hope after reading this epilogue, you realize how much time you just wasted but can actually save by not reading it again. The decision is yours…

Sincerely,

Anthony Fascious Martinez

Poet/Award Winning Performer of Hip Hop Musical "Penumbra"

www.fascious.com

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